Life Hurts

I talked to my mom tonight. I asked her how she is doing (besides the hassles of returning to the business after their vacation).... Now is my moment to have that conversation with my parents that has been hanging over my head for so long. It's an extended conversation that unfortunately can't be over with in one dose, so I'm still in the midst of it and surrounded by the fog of all that family turmoil. Hence my frequent incoherence.

When I refused my dad's gift on the phone, it didn't come out right. It wasn't a planned conversation, so a rush of words - many of them thoughtless - just came pouring out. When I spoke it was regarding my immediate (and not necessarily fair) reaction to how much he annoys me, not to the deeper issues. Today my mom said that what I had said was hurtful and though it's good I said howI feel, I was wrong about the things I had said.

Luckily today I was not bombarded with words or surprised by anyone's behavior so I could think clearly and my emotions, while strong, were calm. I told my mom that my problem is not (as they had heard it) that I feel unloved or that I don't get the attention I need or deserve or that I think they take no interest in my life. I know all those things are true. When I said there is no relationship, I meant that when all those overtures of love and affection are made towards me, it is I that doesn't give back and that it's for a reason. (It's hard not to weep when I write this because I know how hurtful it is...).

I first explained why I don't have positive feelings towards my dad (he was mean...) and I used a couple of stories to explain the context in which I interpreted my dad's most recent gift (a history of gifts given in a certain way and often after an argument). My mom was a bit defensive on his behalf, and mentioned how much he worked and didn't have a life and gave everything he had to support his family. I let her say it - it is true after all. I said that the feelings I have are the feelings I have and they are justified. I have a choice about how I behave and what I say and I can be held responsible for them. But my feelings are not entirely in my power. She said she understood that, and we as girls paid a price, and she paid a price (I think she meant paid a price for his behavior, and obliquely for her having chosen to stay with him). When I asked her what she meant about the price she paid, she said "in my health." It's very true that her health has suffered pretty directly as a result of her inability (and perhaps unwillingness?) to deal with difficulties, and in fact I think the price is greater than she is willing to admit. However, in retrospect it was also a guilt tactic. She also said that there were good times too and those seem to be entirely forgotten, and with a kind of resigned sigh she said that perhaps all kids have issues with their parents. I told her that was an unfair comment. This is not "issues" that all kids have. I didn't say he was abusive - I think that's too hard a word to use over the telephone - but I did say that he was mean, scary, and humiliating. And in fact she took offense to that word, as though I was being oversensitive.

She called me back a few minutes after we hung up to ask if she should or shouldn't say anything to my dad about what I had told her. I said that I think it is best if I tell him these things directly - it is only fair. But that if it would hurt and surprise less if he's prepared for it, then she can mention it. She said she probably will because he has no clue. This really surprises me! I thought he was aware of the horrible, awkward, clumsy, tense and uncomfortable silence that ensues whenever my mom leaves the room. And this is the part that is causing my self-doubt. If everything was fine, if he had no clue, and if my mom preferred it with all the dirt swept under the rug, then why do I have to say what I have to say and cause the both of them so much hurt? Why can't I just go on forever with this particular lie? It's not like they haven't suffered terribly in their lives.

I don't know where it goes from here. I can't really see where I'm going and am kind of scared of the next few conversations. For very brief moments, I can ALMOST imagine the release that may come in a while. I'm not quite there yet though, so I am still a bit incoherent and can't quite name all the things I am feeling. Or even recount things logically. But maybe... someday...